Getting Recharged

I have felt as though I have been avoiding looking at my life. I have been doing things that allow me to numb out. Sleeping in, eating, playing solitaire on my phone and staying on the computer.

Rachel mentioned yesterday that she has a feeling that I'm not doing anything that is just plain enjoyable for myself. There's always the "to do" list and things that should get done. She pictures me as not being filled up...empty. As fours, we both need creativity and beauty. She's right. I'm not doing anything for myself. Nothing just for fun. I also feel empty with my God. I'm not filled up.

Knowing this, I can look at how to fill myself back up. I'm not wanting this to be a "to do" list, but rather a springboard for ideas. I know being around family and friends is something I enjoy. I enjoy meeting new people. I am also wanting to plan dinners and get togethers again.

I am missing the joy of sharing with God. I think reading something inspirational that points back to Him would be fulfilling. I haven't picked up the Bible or The Shack in a long time. Perhaps Rachel has one of the books that Sue was telling her about that I could also read. Even the Flylady pointed back to God.

I haven't signed up for an Archiver's card class in a long time. I read about a Plainfield Park District class that was about interiors and a beginners yoga or martial arts class. I know that JJC has a jewelry metalworks class that will probably start up in the fall too.

I used to go out for breakfast or coffee by myself in the morning and plan my day or journal. I'd get up early and meet friends. Perhaps that would be a good way to start my day on occasion.

I never think to go to a store or mall and just look around for fun alone or with someone. I could even go downtown to shop. Chicago is full of stores, neighborhoods, museums, boutiques and restaurants. Hey, even walking around Target or DSW would be a stretch at this point. Then there are always the designer discount stores/malls and second hand shops to explore.

To explore and walk around Lake Geneva or St. Charles/Geneva alone or with someone. Or walk along the riverwalks in Naperville or St. Charles. Or bike along the Fox River on the riverwalk.

I don't know why, but I don't even want to think about Poised for Success. Yet, when I read about my experience going there it sounds very exciting.

Even spending time in the yard or on my glider would be fun.

I think it's time for some exploration and self-discovery.

Revisiting...

I've taken the time to take a look at the posts I made in January & February. They were full of progress and promise of moving forward. I was losing weight and enjoying how I was looking and feeling. If I can do that once, I can do it again. I want to remember that God is facing me, urging me forward...encouraging me to put one foot in front of the other. Even though I feel low and know I am trying to numb out something in my life...I was still able to eat well and want to end the day knowing I can take good care of myself. I wrote out some of my acknowledgements for today also. Just a small start. I look at myself so critically and harshly that I miss the treasure that I am and what I have to offer. So...baby steps...

A Quiet Beginning

It's a Tuesday and thank goodness Robert is home from work today. As he has been able to get Jaz to the groomer and I hope will bring her to the vet this afternoon for her shot.

I am fighting a severe headache and lack of energy. I have a loss of appetite and almost feel relieved about it because of all the carbs I've been eating. These carbs have been from processed foods...high in sugar. I felt very sick last night from poor eating. I feel today is an opportunity to turn this around. I will be eating when hungry and selecting better foods today. I have grilled veggies in the fridge from the kabobs I made on Sunday. I also have cooked chicken ready to be made into chicken salad. I have taken salmon out for dinner. I haven't had salmon in quite a while, so even if today is being controlled I have food to look forward to.

Tomorrow I have eye surgery, so I won't be able to do any grocery shopping. I'm hoping I'll feel up to doing it by Friday. I do have my menu planning done for this week which will help make this easier. I will also be inputting my weight and food into fitday. I don't feel anxious or down today even though I haven't been eating well the last few months and it's showing on my body and on the scale. I don't really want to talk to anyone about my choice to turn this around until I see some results taking place. I need to slowly build my confidence back up. I've bitched and moaned about what I'm doing to myself for too long now. I don't want to hear myself think or speak about this. I just want to do it. I am at a very low point and feel terrible mentally and physically from making self-destructive choices.

Today is an opportunity. I know I can turn this around quickly.