Home Again

I'm back from a week in Georgia with Mom & Dad, Rachel, Jay and the kids and Kathy. It was a great visit. Lots of Southern food...lots of eating....put on 5 lbs. Now I'm home and feeling quite pudgy. My pants are tight and I don't want to move. Yuck. I did weigh in this morning and have been watching what I eat today. We leave for Florida for 5 days on Saturday. Just enough time to get myself back on track and get packed again. I'm going to call Mom and ask her to stock the fridge in the condo with healthy food. I don't want to put on more weight. I'd like to hold steady. I think it might be asking too much to expect myself to lose weight while in Florida.

I need to keep moving forward.

Getting Recharged

I have felt as though I have been avoiding looking at my life. I have been doing things that allow me to numb out. Sleeping in, eating, playing solitaire on my phone and staying on the computer.

Rachel mentioned yesterday that she has a feeling that I'm not doing anything that is just plain enjoyable for myself. There's always the "to do" list and things that should get done. She pictures me as not being filled up...empty. As fours, we both need creativity and beauty. She's right. I'm not doing anything for myself. Nothing just for fun. I also feel empty with my God. I'm not filled up.

Knowing this, I can look at how to fill myself back up. I'm not wanting this to be a "to do" list, but rather a springboard for ideas. I know being around family and friends is something I enjoy. I enjoy meeting new people. I am also wanting to plan dinners and get togethers again.

I am missing the joy of sharing with God. I think reading something inspirational that points back to Him would be fulfilling. I haven't picked up the Bible or The Shack in a long time. Perhaps Rachel has one of the books that Sue was telling her about that I could also read. Even the Flylady pointed back to God.

I haven't signed up for an Archiver's card class in a long time. I read about a Plainfield Park District class that was about interiors and a beginners yoga or martial arts class. I know that JJC has a jewelry metalworks class that will probably start up in the fall too.

I used to go out for breakfast or coffee by myself in the morning and plan my day or journal. I'd get up early and meet friends. Perhaps that would be a good way to start my day on occasion.

I never think to go to a store or mall and just look around for fun alone or with someone. I could even go downtown to shop. Chicago is full of stores, neighborhoods, museums, boutiques and restaurants. Hey, even walking around Target or DSW would be a stretch at this point. Then there are always the designer discount stores/malls and second hand shops to explore.

To explore and walk around Lake Geneva or St. Charles/Geneva alone or with someone. Or walk along the riverwalks in Naperville or St. Charles. Or bike along the Fox River on the riverwalk.

I don't know why, but I don't even want to think about Poised for Success. Yet, when I read about my experience going there it sounds very exciting.

Even spending time in the yard or on my glider would be fun.

I think it's time for some exploration and self-discovery.

Revisiting...

I've taken the time to take a look at the posts I made in January & February. They were full of progress and promise of moving forward. I was losing weight and enjoying how I was looking and feeling. If I can do that once, I can do it again. I want to remember that God is facing me, urging me forward...encouraging me to put one foot in front of the other. Even though I feel low and know I am trying to numb out something in my life...I was still able to eat well and want to end the day knowing I can take good care of myself. I wrote out some of my acknowledgements for today also. Just a small start. I look at myself so critically and harshly that I miss the treasure that I am and what I have to offer. So...baby steps...

A Quiet Beginning

It's a Tuesday and thank goodness Robert is home from work today. As he has been able to get Jaz to the groomer and I hope will bring her to the vet this afternoon for her shot.

I am fighting a severe headache and lack of energy. I have a loss of appetite and almost feel relieved about it because of all the carbs I've been eating. These carbs have been from processed foods...high in sugar. I felt very sick last night from poor eating. I feel today is an opportunity to turn this around. I will be eating when hungry and selecting better foods today. I have grilled veggies in the fridge from the kabobs I made on Sunday. I also have cooked chicken ready to be made into chicken salad. I have taken salmon out for dinner. I haven't had salmon in quite a while, so even if today is being controlled I have food to look forward to.

Tomorrow I have eye surgery, so I won't be able to do any grocery shopping. I'm hoping I'll feel up to doing it by Friday. I do have my menu planning done for this week which will help make this easier. I will also be inputting my weight and food into fitday. I don't feel anxious or down today even though I haven't been eating well the last few months and it's showing on my body and on the scale. I don't really want to talk to anyone about my choice to turn this around until I see some results taking place. I need to slowly build my confidence back up. I've bitched and moaned about what I'm doing to myself for too long now. I don't want to hear myself think or speak about this. I just want to do it. I am at a very low point and feel terrible mentally and physically from making self-destructive choices.

Today is an opportunity. I know I can turn this around quickly.

Checking In...

It's been over a month since I've blogged about anything. I've been busy with Dana's wedding plans. Now Lisa's move is coming up and I'm helping her plan & pack. I was supposed to go there today, but she needed the day to rest. I've played it very low key. I go meet Cheryl for dinner tonight and will also do some reunion planning with her too.

My weight has gone back up. I am focusing on reminding myself I am worth it. That I am worth taking good care of. It feels more empowering. I have lowered my weight goal to 117. I have already made it to that weight and want to do it again, then maintain there. I felt better about myself and was receiving compliments on losing weight. I hadn't received many compliments until I got to that weight, so I think it will be very rewarding. I am thinking that my weight range will need to be from 114-119 lbs. to maintain at 117. This is an achieveable goal for me.

I'm not going to eat a strict low carb diet. I have decided to have a calorie goal between 1200-1350 calories. I started that yesterday. It was a start in the right direction. I didn't make my workout yesterday, but I know that will get easier as the weight starts to come down and my commitment goes up. I'm not even thinking about cardio at this point. One step at a time. I do want to acknowledge myself for not letting missing my workout ruin the rest of my day. I stood strong, kept going and did well in my eating. My food intake plays about 85-90% in my weight loss, so I'm starting there. I don't feel like my workouts are a big help at this point, but I need to remember that Dick's support and encouragement keeps me on track. If nothing else I need to show up to secure my workout time slot, I like 12:30.

I have felt so out of control with the eating that it will be a relief to start eating better foods. I also look forward to feeling better in my clothes.

A New Start

I'm back on the bandwagon. After what feels like a long time of eating pretty much whatever I wanted & missing workouts, I have put 6 lbs. back on. I visited with my good friend Kathi and talked about what we both wanted to achieve moving forward. It was a great visit. Thanks Kathi. I love you too! I think we both came away with new insight. I knew what "things" I needed to do to bring the weight down. But what I was able to talk through was how to solve some of the situations that trip me up.

One area in particular was lunches. I found that I don't prepare for lunch early enough so that when I get hungry I can eat right away. The other thing Kathi brought up was that it really didn't take that long to prepare some of these things and why wouldn't I want to do this for myself. When I first get fresh veggies home I need to plan to eat them within the first 2-3 days. Yes, that requires a plan and prep work. So, this morning I made my taragon chicken salad to take with me to the gym for lunch.

My goal is to keep my calories between 1200-1250. Although yesterday I had 1306 calories and still lost weight. So, if I go up to 1300 I'm not going to get twinked out. I think this broader range will enable me to include some very fun food and still lose weight. My first goal is 119. I have absolutely no deadline on my weight loss. Every time I do that I feel a sense of failure coming on and then eat because of it. I need this to be more of a lifestyle change.

One of the biggest things I needed to address was my need for accountability. I will be texting Kathi every day with my morning's weight and the total calories from the day before. I will also text her on my way to the gym for my workouts. I know when I go into hiding I'm eating. I need to keep up progress out in the open, being talked about.

Rachel will begin accountability with me on Friday mornings to ensure she's making her menu plans for the week. I'm also going to have my plan ready to ensure I'm doing the same thing.

Here's to moving forward!

Wardrobe Building

Last Saturday I met with Lynn at Nordstroms. She had everything set up for me and kept bringing armfuls of clothes for me to try on. She's very good at her job. I went from an empty closet to one that has choices and color. The capris and skirt I'm not certain about yet. I have a return to make today of a cardigan and pair of capris that are a duplicate for me. I have been writing about what I have in my closet and what new things are coming in to be sure the new clothes fit into the color schemes I already have. I really enjoy doing that. I've also written out my dress wardrobe, my black and brown color capsules. I have a lot more clothing in the black matching outfits, but brown is my color palette. I tried to buy tops that would mostly go with brown and then some to match black to finish out outfits that weren't complete. I'm pleased with the result.

After the capris are decided on (I'm going to put them on for Robert and see which one's he likes too, I'm having problems deciding which look better on me) I'm going to need to look at shoes and sandals for the summer next. I want to try to stay with flats, 1" heels and 2" heels that way they'll be able to work with the pants lengths I have in my closet now. Not the easiest things to do, but it really saves on the number of pants and shoes you need to own. It's definitely worth the effort.

To get the color capsules to work you need to be able to match your 3 chosen colors in both bottoms and tops. It is much easier to find black and white tops and bottoms than it is to find brown or tan. I thought I'd add french blue to go with the brown scheme, I found a top but no matching pants, capris or anything for that matter. So, what's the catch here? Do you have to buy mix and match geranimals to get this to work?

I think I'll be easing into the brown, beige and french blue color palette over time and see if I can get it to work. The process continues...